Yes, I Am Evil

This story actually makes sense to a few people. For everyone else though, just enjoy. :P

I spent a long time the other day killing trees. Now, I know what you're thinking, Why in the world was she killing trees??! That's evil!...And I don't really care. I know it sounds weird, but it makes a good story, huh?

To put it plainly, the trees started it. Someone grew them wrong, crushed a leaf when they were baby trees - something - and they turned evil first. I swear, these things had faces and arms and roots that tried to throw you sky-high! Seriously, one of them sprouted up under me and threw me ten feet in the air!

Another problem with this sort of hunting is that they always pop up in the oddest of places. You're not going to find an evil tree in any sort of place - say, your backyard - since there it's hard for it to grow wrong. This particular tree happened to be in the jungle. Surrounded by poison-dart toting natives and... monkeys! Yes, lots of monkeys. I think those were the worst part.

I showed up not long after that great tree's evil side had started sending signals all across the land. Some stupid people before me had found the sprout and had raised it wrong. It's all their fault! Seriously!

So what do you do with a handful of insane gardeners, an evil tree sprouting roots that try to devour you, a couple natives circling the tree to reach you, and a hatchet? Chop!

That thing was... pretty huge. It took like twenty minutes to cut it down, even though more of my friends (and not-so-much-friends) showed up to help.

I remember once while I was lighting a section of the tree on fire, my friend suddenly cried out that the natives had got her. I could see her dying right in front of me, yet I didn't have the antidote to save her! All the while, the evil tree was after her too.

She ran from the native - to the other side of the tree - and I didn't hear much from her for a while. Eventually I got a whole circle of fire around the tree, and went after the roots, hoping that would stop the madness.

And did I tell you about the small, loud, green guy? Yea, some of you might call him a leprechaun. I call him a bundle of... annoying! Can he seriously only stand there shouting to kill it? And, "Oh! Why does this always happen to me?! Kill 'im! He's almost dead!" Etc, etc. I know I for one wanted to strangle the little guy by the end. Wasn't he supposed to be there to help? 

As I was contemplating the best way to kill him, my poisoned friend came around the tree again, rejoicing that the poison had worn off. I could see the circles under her eyes and the paleness of her features which were the tolls that the poison had taken on her. If it hadn't worn off then, the poison would have killed her.

Then she died.

...Right in front of me...

I'm seriously scarred now.

Apparently the poison hadn't worn off as much as she had thought, and it, well... Yea, you get the idea. She became a pile of bones right in front of my eyes (that being the nature of the poison) and I'll never forget that to this day. Thanks a lot.

On to more pleasant matters (well, depends on your definition). The tree was almost dead. By the time its last root was gone, its last branch burnt and buried, my friend was long gone.

Sadly, we never got to punish the people who had maltreated the tree in the first place. Wow, that would have been fun. [insert evil grin here] You never knew I was evil too, huh? 

My Vacuum Cleaner Grew a Beard

I must have just been having a really, really bad day. It was Saturday, the day we clean everything, which is usually a good day for me. Sleeping in is a plus. Then of course no school either. Saturdays are days when friends tend to have parties, and parties are cool. Just so you know. But, alas, none of this benefited me.

My sister and I had stayed up late (talking or arguing, I don't remember) the night before, and I had a really weird dream too, which woke me up at five. With all that, I hadn't gotten much sleep. Then... Actually, why don't I tell you about my dream? It was actually probably my good day gone wrong... which might have told me something, but I could care less.

From what I remember (writing the day after), it started out with this old lady coming to our house. I'm not sure why, or who she was, but she was there. And as we all know,  old ladies in dreams don't usually bode well. Because they tend to always have a mean streak and some superpower to throw you against walls. At least she didn't have that. She just had a cat.

The cat was nameless and hairless, a combination that should always be avoided. Even when you're not dreaming. But either way, I didn't think there was much of a problem with it for a while. My sister and the old lady were on the other end of the room, and I was reading something (I don't remember what) on the couch. This cat just walks up to me and, of all things, sits right next to me.

Now don't get me wrong - I love cats. But this one was just... ugly. There was no way I would touch that thing! So I scooted over. I think that was where I went wrong. This insane growl suddenly ripped through the animal, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to rise. It was like a cougar in the house, or something similar. In an attempt to appease it then, I reached out and stroked its back cautiously. The thing actually stared at me for a while, probably wondering why I suddenly liked it. I didn't, but it thought I did.

Eventually, I calmed down a bit, still not sure why I was so scared of a forty-year old cat. Don't ask where that number came from, this is a dream, okay? I stopped stroking the cat, and it closed its eyes. After a while (not long actually), it started growling again, but the book was so interesting... Why can't I put it down...? Alas, nothing goes right in these sorts of dreams! I sat there for a very long time, reading the book as the cat climbed off the couch, ready to pounce...

I think my leg fell asleep. That's what my sister said when I told her about my dream anyway. Suddenly, the cat pounced on my leg, ripping and peeling it into small shreds with both teeth and claws. I don't actually remember screaming, but... That was probably stupid not to. Well, it was a dream, who cares? I quickly got over my shock, picking up the animal by the back of its neck. The thing continued to squirm, kicking and biting at my arm now. If I had been awake, I would have scars now.

The old lady came running over, and actually quite fast for an old lady. She screamed in my ear something about "her baby" and "you'll kill her" and "put her down!" Couldn't she see that thing wanting to rip my eyes out?! How crazy was she? But eventually I put it down for her sake, and the cat slunk off to hide behind her legs, eying me with its evil yellow eyes. I could have sworn it was saying it wanted to rip me to pieces with those razor sharp teeth.

I shuddered, and the lady grumbled something about "how not to deal with old cats" and "maybe a little tolerance goes a long way." I waved her off. She picked up the cat and left.

I'm not sure what happened after that for a while. It wasn't all that interesting either. Next part I remember, I was in another chair, reading an email when the cat came up behind me. Once again, I had no idea it was there...  It could have eaten me before I would have noticed. But it didn't. The monster contented itself with watching me... probably reading my emails. The brute!

But it wasn't contented for long. Just as I was checking my Facebook, the monster charged, going after my leg yet again--and then I think I woke up.

Though with all that, I haven't explained how my vacuum cleaner grew a beard! Oh well, I'll have to finish that later, because (sadly) I am behind in posting now! 

Ten Things to Do With Peanut Butter

1. Give it to the dog.

If you take a spoon, shove it in a dog's mouth, and sit back with a can of coke... It's very entertaining. For whatever reason, they can't get their tongue in just the right position to lick the peanut butter off the top of their mouth. Some people have Arachibutyrophobia, which is the fear of having such happening to you. I wonder if dogs get that too? Good way to find out! Plus it's good for them, if they can ever eat it.

2. Catch yerself a mouse.

That's right. If you don't have any cheese for a mousetrap (or it keeps molding before the stupid mouse can find it) peanut butter works too! Although one problem... it's a waste of perfectly good peanut butter! But if that mouse is driving you insane, it might be a good investment.

3. Make a bird feeder.

Either the birds don't like those fancy store-bought ones, or you're just too lazy to buy one, peanut butter, bird seed, and a pine cone make a good bird feeder. I've seen it tried once... you just have to make sure you're not in bear country. Bears like peanut butter too. That was ugly. But that's why it's on a pine cone!

4. Remove gum and glue from hair.

If you smooth peanut butter on hair or fabric with glue/gum stuck to it, then wash it, it's like magic! I actually used this once when I got gum stuck in my hair... Don't ask, it's a long story. But anyway, it works! It will also remove residue left over from price stickers.

5. Hide pills from your cats.

When you've got to give that pill to your cat, and he just won't stop squirming and scratching, try coating it in peanut butter first. They actually love the taste of peanut butter (even if, like dogs, it sticks to the roof of their mouth) and it helps to hide the taste or annoyance of the pill. Plus it's a lot of fun trying to watch them eat it.

6. Peanut butter soup.

If you make any simple vegetable soup, then add peanut butter, it becomes peanut soup! It's an easy way to hide broccoli and tomatoes from kids too. Like cats and dogs, most kids love peanut butter, and won't notice that the color is a little off.

7. Mask that fishy smell.

Every time you cook fish (unless it's very, very fresh) your house will fill with the smell of fish. And that just lasts hours. Sometimes the whole day. But, if you put a spoon of peanut butter in the pan while you cook it, the peanut butter will mask the smell of the fish, leaving your kitchen smelling nice as before.

8. Shave.

Believe it or not, peanut butter makes a great shaving gel. Just apply it like you would apply the gel, and shave as normal. It works just as well and anyone that has bought a container of shaving gel will know, it is a whole lot cheaper. The end result is a very smooth shave and, as a bonus, the oils in the peanut butter are very good for your skin, so you don’t need to spend even more money on moisturizer for your legs or face. You might want to remember to use smooth peanut butter though – the chunky stuff doesn’t work quite as well.

9. Clean leather.

Peanut butter is an excellent cleaner for leather furniture. Just rub a small amount on and work it in in a circular motion. Remove with a buffing cloth and there you have it! The problem is that you end up with peanut-butter smelling furniture. To avoid that you might try mixing a little perfume oil in it – but not too much. Just make sure you don’t mix up your jars or you will end up with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that tastes like mouth wash!

10. For your lawnmower.

Peanut butter is an excellent lubricator. If your lawnmower blades are getting a little rusty, smear on some peanut butter and there you have it! This hint is particularly useful because almost every time you need something, it's never there! But you have what you don't need (peanut butter), and in this case, it works.

A Sushi Adventure

I finished my puzzle for what must have been the thirtieth time since getting it yesterday as my brother called from the other room, “Food is ready!” He was making sushi in the other room - the rice, at least. I ran into the kitchen thinking about all the things I could put in it. First I ran to the refrigerator for the crab. After searching for nearly ten minutes, my brother said there was none. I began to wonder how this sushi was going to turn out.
“Any carrots?” I asked tentatively, already dreading the answer. I hadn't seen any while searching.

“Nope,” he replied, not even looking at me. “Broccoli?” “Nope.” “Avocado?” “Nope.”

Well this was going to be interesting. My brother was just finishing making his sushi roll when I finally turned around to face him.
“Then how in the world are we supposed to make sushi?” I exclaimed.

“You put the rice in and roll it up, of course. How we always do.” 

“But it's just rice.”
It's called a Nori roll, ancient Chinese dish. Invented for when food was scarce.”

I paused and blinked for a second or two. “Sushi is a Japanese dish.”

“No you,” was his only reply.

I reached over to the bowl to begin my own, but it was snatched away by my sister before I was within two feet of it. She emptied half of the bowl into her own and marched back to the table. I shrugged my shoulders and placed the sheet of Nori on the cutting board. It stuck and ripped. My brother had left water on it, and my Nori was now ruined. Grumbling to myself I reached for a second.

My silent grumblings were interrupted by something that resembled a rabbit's screech, which sounded very out of place in the kitchen, from the direction of the table.

“Yuck!” my sister cried indignantly. “What did you put in that!”

“The usual,” my brother replied nonchalantly. “Rice vinegar, salt, except there wasn't any sugar.”

I paled, looking down at the rice on my spoon. “You know.... that means it's just sour?” Through my mind raced all kinds of thoughts, trying to figure out what he might find appealing in rice such as this. Then again, he is the one who tasted soy sauce and ice cream together before.

He shrugged as he swallowed another mouthful of the stuff. Still chewing, he explained, “Not much different, tastes fine to me!”

“Why don't we try some Splenda? It's the same, right?” I asked.

“I guess you could try that...” He stood and reached for the bag, dumping an unnecessarily large portion of it into the bowl. As he mixed it into the bowl, my sister set her bowl on the counter and reached for a second, dumping a smaller portion than before into her bowl. The action still halved the remaining rice, same as last time. She said - in response to my glare, “I just want to try it, so I'll take less.”

I shrugged for the second time. It was food, who cares. Albeit, nothing but starch and carbohydrates. But who counts those anyway? Slathering the rice onto my Nori, I heard my brother comment, “Making sushi is kind of like painting, you know?”

I shook my head. I didn't see how sushi-making had anything to do with standing on a tall ladder with stained clothing and an over-large bucket, trying not to fall down as you paint between the cracks in the old sideboard. By the time that thought was composed, my sushi had been completed. “Here goes nothing,” I muttered, sitting at the table.

I try hard not to remember that taste.